News - Every Man's Battle

Healthy Dating in Recovery

Guest — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 09:42:58 -0500

It's easy to forget that many men who are working to maintain sexual purity are single men. There's a perception that the majority of men in recovery are married because they have more to lose. I, therefore, applaud all men in recovery and welcome the reminder that some are yet single.

I find that, if left unaddressed, many single men in recovery groups have difficulty relating with the married men, or they feel left out altogether. For them, I give some thoughts on how to pursue healthy dating relationships while in recovery. It is imperative that single men struggling sexually continue in ongoing recovery. This is especially important if he begins a dating relationship. If you are this man and are not yet in recovery, start today. Without committing daily to recovery, your new relationship will be in trouble from the start.

I want to touch on two main components of recovery, the first being accountability, and second the deeper work required to work through the issues behind your addiction. Accountability is one of the most important tools in recovery. You should already be faithfully meeting with an accountability partner who is willing to get in your face and ask you specific and hard questions.

In addition to your accountability partner, I highly recommend an accountability group that is also willing to be confrontational. It is very unwise to choose your girlfriend or fiancé as your accountability partner, or any female for that matter. Accountability groups may be composed of men who struggle in other areas, but should not be co-ed.

Addressing your deeper issues will require work. Usually this is best done with an experienced therapist who is familiar with sexual addiction and recovery. Give yourself time - you will need it. Working through deep issues is almost always a painful and arduous process. Before continuing to pursue a romantic relationship, ask yourself if you are ready to enter into a dating relationship. Get the input of your therapist, accountability partner, and group. Don’t rush it! If you are comfortable beginning to date again remember, sexual temptation is also a part of healthy relationships and will need to be managed with strong boundaries.

Boundaries are an important part of any relationship. Without them we would continually violate others and have difficulty holding onto our own identity and sense of self. It will be important to establish, maintain and clearly communicate both clear emotional and physical boundaries. Your accountability partner should hold your feet to the fire and encourage healthy boundaries. You also need to be accountable to your girlfriend or fiancée. You most likely have already gotten into trouble doing "everything but."

Physical boundaries should be set far before you approach the line of a sexual act. I would suggest considering the kinds of physical touch you feel comfortable giving and receiving either in public, or in front of her mother. This is a great place to start setting physical boundaries and will help keep the fires from burning out of control. Setting conservative physical boundaries also encourages an increase in your emotional intimacy; you will spend more time talking. Many couples add another level of safety by being alone together only in public. I also suggest setting a consequence for crossing each other’s boundaries. This should cost you something.

Before my wife and I were married, we setup a savings account for this purpose. Every time a boundary was violated we paid the account. While there was an immediate cost, we eventually had an account full of cash. I think we used the money to buy something nice after we were married, but we would much rather have been sexually pure. The monetary penalties didn’t cost us enough. I would suggest either trying something else or giving the money away.

It is also important to respect her emotional boundaries, and if you are an addict you probably crossing them by expertly manipulating and lying; both violate your girlfriend or fiancée emotionally. You must have empathy for her. I have encountered countless men who become self-righteous and indignant after they repented and think their wife/girlfriend now owes them forgiveness - she doesn’t. That is between her and God. Allow her the time and space she needs to grieve her pain and losses. When in doubt, empathize.

A therapist or mentor couple will be invaluable in walking you through this difficult process. If you feel yourself becoming impatient with her, check your own heart. You may be feeling shame and guilt for the pain you have caused her. Regardless of how you go about it, either through acting-out or in unhealthy relationships, intimacy is what you have really been grasping for. True intimacy is not natural for the sexually addicted and takes work. Since you are used to expressing intimacy through sexual acts you will need to learn to be intimate through the expression of your heart. This is a tall order, and if you are serious about the person you are currently dating you will need to disclose the nature of your addiction and acting-out. You cannot be truly intimate and hide this part of yourself. Don’t rush into disclosure and don’t take it lightly. Disclosure is best done when you start getting serious about the relationship. It is dishonest to keep this area of your heart hidden from her as she continues to give you hers.

Sharing your heart may be one of the scariest things you have ever learned to do, but it will be the most significant aspect of a healthy relationship. You are embarking on a dangerous journey. Finding your heart and moving toward true intimacy can be very painful and rewarding. There will be times when it is all you can do to maintain sexual sobriety. Staying connected to your sources of accountability and keeping well within the prescribed boundaries are essential if you are to progress toward a truly intimate relationship. You have settled long enough for the counterfeit, now discover what God has for you.

by Bob Parkins

How Far is Too Far Sexual Integrity for Singles

EMB — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 09:54:06 -0500

Not many Christians debate God’s instructions against premarital sex. However, there is still not a consensus or a shared understanding regarding what constitutes acceptable physical affection and what is sinful. The Bible uses words like adultery, fornication, lust, and purity, all words that have very clear meanings. Yet many Christian singles, teens, and even parents remain confused. Many Christian singles and teens struggle to maintain sexual purity while abstaining from sexual intercourse, yet many are engaging in sexual acts. They deceive themselves by legalistically reasoning they haven’t violated God’s boundaries because they haven’t technically had sex.

While the Bible does not appear to clarify exactly what other acts for singles are and are not acceptable in God’s eyes, it is very clear about the guidelines we are meant to judge these acts by. When asked by young couples, “how far is too far?” I generally ask them to search their hearts and examine what their intention and motivation in asking is. Usually a couple who asks “how far,” is also struggling to maintain sexual purity. Those struggling with sexual purity or addictions are in the habit of pushing limits and boundaries. They want to know what is the maximum they can get away with. They look for loopholes in attempts to satisfy the desire for immediate self gratification.

The Bible warns us about being deceived and worshiping idols (Deut 11:16; Exo 20:14), and sex can be an idol to those who struggle to maintain purity. Scripture also tells us that God sees what truly is in our hearts and we will sow what we reap (Gal 6:7). If you have ever asked “how far,” and have patterns of pushing limits, it is likely you are not truly interested in purity and really want to get away with as much physical affection as possible. When you put it that way it seems silly to consider the technicality of sin. If you discover your motive is to selfishly seek your own physical gratification, instead refocus on what is pure (Phi 4:8).

When you flirt with sin, you put yourself in a position to sin. To answer the question more directly, anything that causes you to sin is “too far.” This is probably the best litmus test for determining limits since the Bible doesn’t tell couples specifically how they can show physical affection, at least not in the manner many look for. There are several scriptural examples of expressing affection through treasuring chastity and virtue and abstaining from sexual immorality (Isa 62:5; 2Col 11:2), a counter-cultural perspective in most increasingly permissive/promiscuous societies. Jesus models surrendering personal desires to the Father (Luk 22:42), and encourages us to ask for God’s intervention in maintaining victory over sin in The Lord’s Prayer (Luk 11:4). If you are willfully sustaining a desire that cannot be righteously met, you are deceiving yourself (1Thess 4:3-8).

Determining limits may be a little different for different couples, but be cautioned against any propensity to justify pushing limits. If you get excited to the point that you struggle with lustful thoughts or fantasies from kissing, or if you have difficulty respecting boundaries (yours or hers), you may not be able to handle more. Consider then abstaining from kissing or other applicable acts. Some may not struggle with kissing and will need to set limits accordingly. I suggest also abstaining from any physical activity or show of affection that you are not comfortable doing in front of her father. There are several genuine and appropriate displays of affection that pass this test.

It is important that couples talk about setting physical limits early in their relationship. We live in a backwards culture where single men often push women to/beyond their sexual limit. This is not what God intends or requires of us in marriage, so it certainly cannot be condoned in dating. Men are to cherish and protect their wives, not take advantage of them for their own pleasure (Eph 5:25-28; Col 3:19). Just as a father is to protect the innocence of his daughter, so are we to protect and respect any woman we are dating. Sexual desire for her is not bad, but respecting her virtue means protecting her from these desires (yours or her).

Men, it is up to you to initiate this conversation and establish boundaries. This may be the very first act you exhibit of spiritual leadership in a budding relationship. Any potential spouse who is worth spending your life with will respect your integrity because they will feel safe and cherished. Two scripture verses that are helpful in maintaining focus on purity are:

- (2Ti 2:22) Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

- (Phi 4:8) Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Be encouraged by the peace God promises those that live pure and virtuous lives

For more help in the battle for purity, see Every Man's Battle.

by Bob Parkins

SelfMonitoring

Steve Arterburn — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 10:35:43 -0500

Our contemporary culture desires its affairs to be as expedient, as convenient and as streamlined as possible. Yet when it comes to knowing others, and knowing ourselves, expediency breeds superficiality. In effect, guys, our love for expediency is making us strangers to one another, and strangers to ourselves.

Socrates once said that an unexamined life is not worth living. This isn’t the time or place to discuss the merits of that statement. But I can say this with certainty: an unexamined life is impossible to live faithfully and well.

One reason for this is that controlling our desires has everything to do with getting to know ourselves better’that is, understanding what people, situations, and substances give us problems, and what responses are effective in countering them.

Men, a good way to begin practicing the examined life is to ask yourself what you’re feeling before you indulge your cravings. Our cravings are often the result of’and a superficial way of dealing with’some negative emotion.

This may be anger, depression, anxiety, boredom, loneliness, or any host of other emotions. Once you’ve identified the feeling behind the drive, you can more appropriately express or deal with it, instead of trying to ignore it by engaging in some appetite you think will make the feeling disappear.

When you learn to know yourself and express your feelings appropriately, your appetites can stop being emotional buffers and once again serve the purposes God intended them to serve.

Stephen Arterburn

Silence

Steve Arterburn — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 10:47:39 -0500

Have you ever hung up the phone or left a conversation and felt as if you said too much? Have you ever wished you could take back something you said? We often learn the hard way that speaking without thinking can cause pain and create problems. And too much talking clutters and consumes precious time.

One way to refine your use of words is by routinely practicing the discipline of silence. Now, if you’re a married guy and your wife is continually requesting that you talk more; this isn’t an excuse to avoid conversation with her. Instead, this silence is an invitation to prepare yourself for meaningful conversation.

Consider taking a day to monitor your conversations. Spend some time in silence reflecting on how you’ve used and abused words. Do you use words to rationalize, lie, deceive, exaggerate, or to manipulate? In silence you’ll remember the words you spoke quickly in anger and slowly in apology, arrogantly in accusation and humbly in confession. In silence you’ll be able to listen; you’ll begin to hear what the Lord is saying and you’ll begin to experience his renewal.

People recovering from heart attacks are often counseled to bring quiet into their lives by speaking less often and more slowly when they do speak. Such discipline has been proven to reduce stress and ease tension. And most importantly it can help you use your words in ways that encourage others and please God.

- Steve A

Physical Intimacy

Steve Arterburn — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 12:53:46 -0500

For woman, physical intimacy flows naturally from relational intimacy within marriage. So, guys, if you’ve been remiss on learning the style of servant-leadership that creates and fosters relational intimacy with your wife, you’re probably experiencing an unsatisfying sex life with your wife. That’s perfectly natural. In fact, it’d be strange if it were otherwise, since relational and physical intimacy are bound together.

A pastor once said, ‘See that chair over there? That’s my counseling chair. Do you know what complaint I hear most often from married men? I’m just not having enough physical intimacy with my wife.’

My own experience in ministry confirms this. Readers of my book Every Man’s Battle send e-mails asking a variation of one basic question: ‘How can I get my wife to desire physical intimacy with me?’

Well, men, let me turn that question toward you: why don’t more wives desire more physical intimacy with their husbands? The answer isn’t mysterious. In the vast majority of cases, wives feel they have no real relational intimacy with their husbands. These women don’t feel loved and honored in a way that creates a desire within them for physical intimacy.

But here’s some news that should inspire you: every man I know who practices servant-leadership in his marriage also experiences a corresponding spike in physical intimacy with his wife. Men, you can’t put the cart before the horse. Cultivate relational intimacy with your wife, and physical intimacy will naturally follow.

Steve A -

Knowing The Rock Part 5

Brian Mac — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 13:12:21 -0500

Psalm 31:4“…free me from the trap set before me”

Once more let’s review: Just as false intimacy was part of what helps maintain our addiction, TRUE intimacy will strengthen our recovery. This is our design: to have intimacy with both God and Others. In the Psalms, David equated knowing God as his Rock, Refuge, and Fortress with knowing God intimately. So far we have found that in knowing God as our rock we are free from shame and we are listened to with acceptance and understanding. These are pieces, deep pieces, of having an “In-To-Me-See,” an intimacy relationship.

We also discovered that in knowing God as our Rock, He leads and guides us in preparation for Battle. In verse 4 of Psalm 31, David, reveals the last facet of intimacy which we look at in this series. As with Shame, being listened to and guided, David, throughout the Psalms, repeatedly, equates knowing God as his Rock, Refuge, and Fortress, with safety or being free from traps.

Perhaps if we asked the average Christian what it meant to know God as his rock he would likely come up with this connection. The idea of sitting on a solid Rock in the midst of storm and turmoil is a comfort to so many. Our hymns and songs over the years are full of this comforting imagery. For us, in this battle, this piece of intimacy seems even more significant. Our battle usually starts out with a trap. It seemed so innocent to curiously look at some pictures. What child/young teen could have ever envisioned the imprisonment set before them? Now, 20 or more years later as we break free from the imprisonment we have more traps than ever all around us.

Think about this idea we look at our battle. Psalm 31:4 says “…free me from the trap set before me.” What a thought. Indeed, the simple natural feeling and act of masturbation became a trap. It worked best with images… seemingly simple little pictures. What harm could that be? Yet the trap was so sure, so strong. It kept us ensnared for the trapper to come and the trapper eventually would have taken our life, our very soul. So to be offered by God a relationship with Him and with others that involves freedom from those traps is remarkable and so very needed.

We could not…. Tho we tried for so long… we could not free ourselves from the trap. Only intimacy can do it!! Intimacy, true intimacy, with God and with others can seem like a lot of work, especially after so many years of false intimacy. A lot of emotional work. “In-To-Me-See” is often hard and painful but it is real and it brings real connection, real passion. The free stuff is a trap. It is false and once trapped it is difficult to get away from. You cannot do it alone. You need someone to free you from that trap. God offers that freedom in true intimate relationship with Him. He offers it in knowing and being known by him intimately and by knowing and being known by others intimately.

We need the power of intimacy with God AND with others to be free from the trap. And we need, we must have, true intimacy with God AND with others to avoid falling into the snare, the trap once again. This is so critical. The traps, the snares, as we know, are many and they sometimes seem constant, daily, and all around us.

So this concludes our look at just 4 aspects of intimacy, or knowing God as our Rock, Refuge and Fortress. Amazing love… the song says… How can it be!!! God, the creator of the universe, Jesus who is King of Kings and Lord of Lords offer us INTIMACY. True intimacy in which we are free from shame, free from traps. Where we are listened to, understood and accepted as God’s child (He wants to be “Abba,” Daddy!) and Jesus be brother and friend. Amazing love!! And in this relationship he will lead and guide us through the battle. We will, while in intimate relationship with HIM and intimate relationship with others WIN THE BATTLES. Eventually, with Him as our rock, our refuge, and our fortress, we will win the war.

Once again I invite you to, in your recovery, pursue the path of true intimacy with all your being. Remember, this is not as much a command from God but rather, it is an invitation. Intimacy with God and others is what we were created for and it will bring real fulfillment and a strong recovery and the Battles will be won! Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

For more help on this subject see Every Man's Battle.

by David Mackey

The Rock Part 4

EMB — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 18:39:28 -0500

If you are new to the reading of these articles here is a short review: Just as false intimacy was part of what helped maintain our addiction, TRUE intimacy will strengthen our recovery. So this series will look at 4 of the many facets of intimacy which can be found in an intimate relationship with God AND with others.

This is our design: to have intimacy with both God and Others. In the Psalms, David equated knowing God as his Rock, Refuge, and Fortress with knowing God intimately. So far we have looked at the idea of being free from shame and being listened to with acceptance and understanding as pieces, deep pieces, of having an “In-To-Me-See” relationship.

In verse 3 of Psalm 31, David, reveals yet another facet of intimacy. I can’t say that I have ever thought of being lead or guided as a piece of intimacy. For David it was. If you think about it awhile you might conclude that after someone listens “In-To…” someone; after perhaps seeing another’s shame and vulnerability, then leading/ guiding them seems like another part of an intimate relationship.

In his book Pursuit of Intimacy, David Ferguson identifies one of the “foundational blocks” of intimacy as “joint accomplishment.” He contends that in intimate marital relationships a couple accomplishes things together. So working together to buy and/or build a home together, raise children together, complete grad school together, etc. contributes to a deeper level of intimacy in couples.

Think about the intimacy that develops with your Band of Brothers as you lead and guide each other through the battle. Think about the intimacy that develops with God as you listen to His Word and His Spirit leads and guides you through the battle. There is comfort and security found in being lead and guided within a truly intimate relationship. So for David intimacy was not just a passive event in which he was listened to. He knew that as God listened He was also guiding David, preparing him for perhaps more of the same battles David had dealt with throughout his life.

This is indeed a messed up world. We have found a common set of struggles among men who struggle with sexual impurity. Father wounds, mother wounds, abuse wounds, neglect wounds and many other past issues, very often affect us today. Present issues, wounds, and struggles are often magnified by our past issues. So we need guidance, we need preparation, we need tools for battle. Knowing God as your Rock, Refuge and Fortress, i.e. having an “In-To Me-See” relationship with God will not just bring healing from past battles but preparation for future battles. False Intimacy didn’t/doesn’t prepare us for anything. Rather it weakened us. We sought comfort in false intimacy and it gave us none. We sought to rid ourselves of some of our shame only to find we were beaten down by deeper and deeper shame. We sought excitement and even happiness only to find terror and depression. If anything in us was at all satisfied with acting out, then other needs and desires of our life became damaged even more.

God invites into True Intimacy with Himself and with others. Part of true intimacy actually leads us, guides us, and prepares us for the Battle. We are not in this alone. Perhaps the most famous of Psalms says even when we walk through the valley of the shadow of death He is with us. What a blessing!! It would seem that if we know God as our Rock, Refuge, and Fortress He doesn’t only walk beside us through the battle, the valley, but he leads us and guides us through. More Blessing!! This is intimacy with God. And it is what exists in an intimate relationship with others. Someone listening to the cry of our heart, just listening and understanding and accepting.

So we find another piece of a wonderful invitation God gives us through David! God invites us to be lead and guided while sitting in the Rock, Refuge, and Fortress! Intimacy: Knowing God as your Rock, Refuge and Fortress. What will recovery be like knowing that God is there to lead and guide you through this battle. His Word is not a list of rules… it intimately leads and guides us through the battles. In your recovery pursue the path of true intimacy with all your being. Remember, this is not a command from God but rather, it is an invitation. Intimacy with God and others is what we were created for and it will bring real fulfillment and a strong recovery. Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 5

by David Mackey

Knowing The Rock Part 3

EMB — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 09:13:15 -0500

Just to review: Just as false intimacy was part of what fed our addiction, True intimacy will strengthen our recovery. So this series will look at 4 of the many facets of intimacy which can be found in an intimate relationship with God AND with others.

This is our design: to have intimacy with both God and Others. In the Psalms, David equated knowing God as his Rock, Refuge, and Fortress with knowing God intimately. Last month we discovered that David often equated being free from shame as a piece, a deep piece, of having an “In-To-Me-See” relationship. Our struggle with shame might be at the deepest layer that someone can see in us.

In verse 2 of Psalm 31, David, reveals another facet of intimacy. “Turn your ear to me…” be my “rock of refuge,” be my "strong fortress.” David equates God BEING his “Rock of Refuge” and Strong Fortress” with being listened to. Psalm 28:1 and 72:2-3 make a similar connection. But wait there’s more! Over 60 times in the Psalms alone, the psalmist asks God to listen or hear or turn His ear.

Being listened to is part of intimacy! Listening, at first glance may first be seen as more of a practical or functional piece of intimacy. Most likely, as with most facets of intimacy, something deeper is inferred. These are cries to be listened to with understanding and acceptance. These cries are looking for a listener who does not belittle one’s most vulnerable heart and soul. They seek listener who loves and accepts even after hearing the hurts and pains of one’s heart.

As a counselor, people actually pay me to listen to them. Weird huh? Not so weird if one ponders how important being heard or being listened to is for us. It is such a great need. Think about how frustrating it is when someone doesn’t listen to us with even the most mundane of issues. Now think about what it feels like for someone not to listen to some deeper issues in our heart and soul.

For the practical side of intimacy, listening is a must! How will one share one’s self, or allow someone to “See-In-To-Me” without being heard? The other practical side of listening is of course, talking/verbalizing. Verbalizing/talking about anything deeper then sports seems to be difficult for most men, especially men who have nurtured the secret sins of sexual impurity. That however, is a different article. But take note that David was finding intimacy, finding God as his rock by speaking/verbalizing his heart.

This all started back in the “Garden” (not “Madison Square” sports fans). Adam walked with God. Adam talked and God listened. God talked and Adam listened. There was intimacy. We are strengthened and encouraged when someone listens to and understands our hopes and dreams, our pain and sorrows, our fears and challenges. These tell who we really are at our core.

Take time to explore the Psalms and see the context in which David is often asking God to listen to him. David shares his loneliness, fears, discouragement, and his anger as well his joy. Sharing good stuff is part of intimacy also. Our dreams, hopes, laughter, and praise all come from within us, sometimes deep within us. David shares it all with God and in doing so connection happens. Intimacy is strengthened. He cries out for God to listen to him. God’s response seems to be to listen and accept. See the picture? David is sitting in the safe intimacy of God as his Rock, Refuge, Fortress and pouring out his heart in all his pain, hurt and even ugliness and God is just holding and LISTENING to David in that safe refuge.

This is intimacy with God. And it is what exists in an intimate relationship with others. Someone listening to the cry of our heart, just listening and understanding and accepting. So we find another piece of a wonderful invitation God gives us through David! God invites us to be heard and known while sitting in the Rock, Refuge and Fortress!

Intimacy: Knowing God as your Rock. What will recovery be like knowing God in a way in which we are listened to, loved, and accepted? We can sit and look Jesus in the eye and share our deepest struggles. What will recovery be like listening to and being listened to by others? Knowing others in a way in which they hear our hearts. We can sit and look one another in the eye and share our deepest struggles. How powerful is that in recovery? In your recovery pursue the path of true intimacy with all your being. This is not a command from God but it is an invitation. Terrifying, in our sin to be sure, but it is what we were created for and it will bring real fulfillment and a strong recovery. Part 1, Part 2, Part 4, Part 5

by David Mackey

Knowing the ROCK Part 2

EMB — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 11:06:38 -0500

Just as false intimacy was part of what fed our addiction, True intimacy will strengthen our recovery. So this series will look at 4 of the many facets of intimacy which can be found in an intimate relationship with God AND with others.

This is our design: to have intimacy with both God and Others. Last month we looked at the Psalms and discovered that David used the word pictures Rock, Refuge, and Fortress interchangeably. For David, God, as his Rock, Refuge or Fortress is intimacy. Most often when David uses these descriptions they are associated with terms and phrases that are actually part of intimate relationships. In other words, David equated knowing God as his Rock, Refuge, and Fortress with knowing God intimately.

Perhaps one of the more common and basic counseling issues I come across in my practice has to do with shame. Is it any surprise? We are a people based in shame. It can manifest itself in so many different ways. It is first seen in the Garden of Eden after Adam and Eve sinned and we have carried the shame mantle ever since. Check out our primary text: Psalms 31:1, "In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame…”.

David begins by equating taking refuge in God with never being put to shame. Again, in Psalm 25:20 David says “…let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.” Yet again in Psalms 71:1, David repeats Psalm 31:1 saying “In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame.”

Is there any greater source of shame then the misuse of our God-given sexuality? That's why it was such a well hidden secret. We wouldn’t have dreamed to actually share this with anyone. Certainly we carry shame in our sin. What a wonderful invitation God gives us through David! God invites us to know Him as our Rock, Refuge, and Fortress and in so doing never be put to shame! This is what He wants in our relationships with others as well.

One of the more profound observations at the EMB (Every Man's Battle) Workshops is to see men arrive Wednesday night with shame (along with fear) written all over their very countenance. Then a remarkable thing happens. The men tell their stories in all their shame to other men and strangers in a small group. And perhaps for the first time they know they are being listened to, heard and understood and NOT put to shame. In understanding they are accepted. In the listening is heard repentance and sorrow. They are tasting of an aspect of intimacy. They have shared their shameful secret with another and they have been understood and accepted. They have allowed “In-To-Me-See” and have been accepted; not judged, not condemned, not belittled.

These men also find themselves on the giving end of intimacy. They listen to another’s story; they see into another and find themselves listening and understanding and accepting that man. Everyone connects, perhaps in a way never experienced previously. False Intimacy had hindered and destroyed any possibility of True Intimacy in the past. Now they are experiencing it for perhaps the first time. This needs to be a piece of recovery. God, of course, offers us a far greater acceptance. He will not put us to shame as we let Him be our Rock, Refuge and Fortress. Certainly He throws our sin as far as the east is from the west… because of the work of Christ on the cross. But that is not the emphasis David focuses on. He focuses on the picture of a man sitting in the safety of the cleft of a Rock or within a Fortress or Refuge. God is that Rock and so surrounded by, held by, and protected by God we share our sin, our struggle, our failure and He only holds us tighter, listens more deeply, protects use more. He does NOT put us to shame. He just accepts. He just loves us deeply.

Intimacy: Knowing God as your Rock.

What will recovery be like knowing God in a way in which we are no longer put to shame? We can sit and look Jesus in the eye and share our deepest struggles. What will recovery be like knowing others in a way in which we are no longer put to shame? We can sit and look another in the eye and share our deepest struggles.

One final thought: Intimacy is a two-way thing. It is not just being able to share with God but him, through His Word and Spirit shares with us. He lets us look into His heart and mind. How wonderful is that?!! And how powerful is that in recovery? In our recovery, we need to develop intimacy with God and others. We also need to invite others to find shame-free safety in finding intimacy with us.

In Psalm 31, David starts with one of the deepest aspects of intimacy perhaps because we all long so deeply to be free of our shame. We long for someone to look “In-To Me and See” past our “ugliness” and find value and wonderment. Remember, God told Samuel that David was a “…man after my own heart.” Perhaps this is because David, as seen in the Psalms speaks to God, full of emotion, with heart, soul, mind, and strength. In your recovery pursue the path of true intimacy with all you being. This is not a command from God but it is an invitation. Terrifying, in our sin to be sure, but it is what we were created for and it will bring real fulfillment and a strong recovery. Part 1, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

by David Mackey

Knowing the Rock Part 1

EMB — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 20:48:56 -0500

If you attended the Every Man's Battle Workshop (and if you haven’t you are missing out) you will recall a session on False Intimacy. It seems that those who struggle with the Battle quite often struggle with intimacy. Which are what we were created for; Intimacy with God and Intimacy with others.

In Mark 12, Jesus is asked what the greatest commandment is and His answer is “to be intimate”, i.e. “… to love the Lord with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind and all your strength. To love with your whole being. Not just God but others as well (Matthew 22:39 says, “The second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor…).

Agape (gr.); unconditional love with one’s whole being. Quite often, those who give themselves over to acting out become great avoiders of true intimacy. Truth is, those who act out, very often never experienced intimacy as a child, nor with a spouse or a friend and certainly not with God. Sexual impurity can trick us into numbing even the need to have intimacy with a real person. Acting out can somehow, for very fleeting moments, seem fulfilling… it is false but an effective numbing agent for our true intimacy needs.

So, one might ask, what is true intimacy and how does one develop real and true intimacy? I’m glad you asked. There is not a simple and easy answer. There is no formula or 3 step process toward developing intimacy—it is quite mysterious. But a simple definition, someone once said, was that intimacy is just that—In-to-me-see. That’s a pretty good definition because intimacy does involve seeing into each other. Seeing each others whole being and allowing another to see within us. It has many facets but God has offered us an intimate relationship with Him and with others. He has given us glimpses, through His Word, of what that intimacy can be like.

This is the first of five articles examining some of the facets of intimacy. We will not come close to exhausting this subject but will focus on David and some of what made up his intimate relationship with God. Especially as one reads his Psalms, it is pretty clear that David knew God intimately. God told Samuel that David was a “…man after my own heart.” The Psalms are full of emotion with David speaking to God from his heart, soul, mind, and strength. Throughout those Psalms David commonly uses phrases and the same word pictures repeatedly. These pictures seem to include some common facets of INTIMACY.

Specifically we will look at Psalm 31:1-5. Throughout the Psalms, David repeatedly mentions knowing God as his ROCK, as his REFUGE, and as his FORTRESS. I suppose we all have some idea what they might mean but David seems to have a lot to say in these word pictures. David uses them interchangeably throughout the Psalms, as in verse 2 when he says: “… be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress…” In further study we will find that David also uses these words repeatedly to connect with some of the In-To-Me-See aspects of intimacy.

That’s where we are going! Discovering what it is to know God as our rock, refuge and fortress. To have intimate relationship with God and in turn learn how to be in intimate relationship with others. Scary thought isn’t it. Inviting our Holy God to see in us and looking back toward Him. To look in the face of Jesus, inviting Him to see within us. It is joyous mystery—though scary nonetheless. Especially for those of us who, in our acting out, ran and hid from just such a prospect. It is not much less scary to do the same with another person who we can see standing beside us. Is it possible that prospect is even more terrifying? For so long, we have run and hid in our acting out.

Listen, my friend and brother in the Battle! God invites us to know Him and be known by Him at the Rock of Refuge. A stronghold and fortress that provides safety. These things are terrifying because we have not yet experienced them. Trust God; He invites us to rest with others on the safe Rock and Fortress of Refuge with Him.

One more thing. If you are already fighting in the Battle, you likely have already begun to taste of true intimacy. You have begun to find safety and protection in God’s forgiveness and acceptance. If you have an accountability partner, someone you told about your struggle, a group you attend, or a band of brothers, then you have begun to taste of intimacy in those relationships. And Our Holy God offers us even more! Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

by David Mackey

Behavior Change And Heart Change

EMB — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 07:39:55 -0500

Most of us, at one time or another, have wished that we were a different person. These thoughts may come to us when things are not going well or in times when we are in trouble. We may feel shallow or inadequate in these times. Our behavior may have been offensive or unacceptable to others, and we may be embarrassed or overcome with guilt.

Change is very difficult for all of us. What about those of us who have gone through devastating situations, such as a hurricane or flooding, where we have lost a lot of what we own. Perhaps we have moved to a new location and changed jobs, and everything is now different. We can feel lost and left out in many ways. Things may never be the same again. Or we may have lost a friend who has been very close to us and supported us in many ways, and the pain is almost unbearable.

When it comes to making personal changes in our lives, it can be just as difficult. Often the focus is on changing our behaviors and our habits, but these are often not long lasting. As an example, many of us have made New Year’s resolutions, only to abandon them within a few weeks, because it was too difficult to maintain the new behaviors and habits. More often than not, our efforts are pointed at negative habits and behaviors and we put a lot of effort into trying to avoid them. It often does not occur to us to ask ourselves what to do to replace these behaviors. While heart changes are more lasting, they cannot be made all at one time. They are not an event, but a process or a journey. In the mean time, we cannot ignore our behavior that is offensive to others or destructive to ourselves. If we are an alcoholic, or a gambler, or we struggle with pornography, our behaviors should not be excused while working on building our character.

The apostle Paul talked about making changes in our lives in Colossians 2:20-3:17. He pointed out that when we try to make changes in our lives through rules and regulations, or by trying to restrict our poor behaviors, failure is soon to follow. In his day (as in our time) people would say “don’t touch” or ” don’t taste”, which really is nothing more than mere human effort to control our poor indulgences. But Paul pointed out that these rules and restrictions “lack any value in restraining our sensual indulgences” (Col.2:23).

The best phase of our life to focus on restricting our poor behaviors is childhood. The duty of good parenting is to help us to recognize what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. The down side to this process is that no parent has it all together as to what is good and bad behavior. When we made poor choices, the way that they were managed had an effect on us, some positive, and others were destructive. The guilt that followed those destructive attempts to change our behavior will remain in our minds for many years until we are finally freed from them. While our minds are filled with the thoughts of guilt, we seldom have the clarity of thought to find direction in our lives. Feelings of loss and confusion block us from finding our way.

Real and lasting change comes from a different place than focusing on our behavior. Lasting change comes from change in our hearts as we take the focus off ourselves and onto the needs and concerns of others as well as our own. Behavior change is external and is often done to deceive others, or to avoid our pain, etc. Heart change does not deny our behaviors, but focuses on internal and character change. Heart change has a purpose in mind that is greater than our own needs and desires. We begin to become aware of how our actions and choices effect others and their well being, as well as our own. There is another powerful factor that is involved with making changes from the heart, and that is coming to the realization that we cannot do it on our own.

Real heart change comes only through the power of the Spirit of God working in our lives. This is different than behavior change, which is done mostly in our own human efforts. When our human efforts fail, we continue to carry enormous guilt. The opposite result comes as we focus on change from the heart. This change will usually result in freedom within our thoughts, thus giving us the ability to think about life situations much more clearly. We also refer to the results of this type of change as bringing us inner peace.

Paul talked about ways to achieve inner peace as we change from the heart. He sited several concepts of life that will help our hearts grow. Some of these things are compassion, kindness, forgiveness, and bearing with each other. There are many ways to display these principles to others. God did not assign to us only one way to carry out any of these life principles. These principles are found as we seek God’s direction in each and every circumstance in our lives. And as we display them, we let others decide how to use them effectively. For example, if we are going to be compassionate to our spouses, we will let them define the most effective way to show compassion, otherwise it is nothing more than a selfish act.

There is another benefit in changing from the heart. It takes a lot of the pressure out of life. Behavior change usually results in trying to achieve perfection, and usually trying to make it quickly to avoid pain. This is real stress and anxiety and worry over what others will think of us. It often leaves us angry and defensive with others, as they point out our flaws. Heart change accepts our flaws as a part of who we are in the moments that they are revealed. The pain is used to help us change and grow. But the growth process is done without a sense of urgency. Change becomes a journey that is at times slow but consistent. Our flaws and weaknesses are seen as opportunities to work with those flaws so that they become more acceptable to others. Thus, our weaknesses do not totally define us as a person.

by Dave McWilliams

SecondGuessing In Marriage

Steve Arterburn — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 22:03:55 -0500

At some point, almost every man feels incompatible with his spouse. During those times, most men secretly wonder if they should’ve married someone else. They harbor that secret from their wives for fear of hurting them. But truth be told, from time to you’re your wives probably entertain similar thoughts.

The real news here isn’t that people sometimes wish they’d married someone different; it’s that they’re misdiagnosing the issue at hand and the challenge it requires of them. Everybody goes through difficult periods in marriage. At times everybody feels like throwing in the towel. And if you want to know the truth, everybody’at least in one sense’did marry the wrong person!

While teaching a marriage course at Notre Dame, a professor used to give his students one absolute: you always marry the wrong person. ‘It’s a reversible absolute, though,’ said Hauerwas, ‘You always marry the right person. The point is we don’t know who we are marrying.’

Professor Hauerwas is right. The knowledge you have of your spouse on your wedding day is unavoidably incomplete. Furthermore, both of you will change and develop over the course of your lives. Consequently, neither person knows exactly what the promise they’re making to one another will entail. The promise is bold, challenging, and ripe with reward.

Therefore, rather than ask if you’ve married the wrong person, try asking how you can learn to better love and care for the person you’ve married!

Steve Arterburn

Releasing Worry to God

Steve Arterburn — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 09:25:52 -0500

Forgiving those who’ve committed wrongs against you doesn’t necessarily guarantee and easier life. You may still have to deal with a difficult boss, wife, in-laws, or kids. You still have to deal with the every day stresses of life. There are pressures beyond your control that will wear you down if you aren’t careful to release them to God. So what can you do?

Our brother in Christ, the apostle Paul, gave us a strategy to help us deal with the troubles of daily life. He wrote: ‘Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus’ (Philippians 4:6-7).

This verse gives you the image of a guard patrolling your heart and mind. When the guard of prayer is in place it will keep out the pressing anxieties of life. If this guard isn’t in place, pain and worry will result.

What pressures are weighing on you? Are you talking to God about them or are you numbing yourself through things like video games, porn, alcohol, overeating, or overspending? Just as you must continually forgive, you also have to continually release your worries and specific needs to God. He will, in turn, protect you and give you the peace that passes all understanding.

Steve Arterburn

When Forgiving Seems Impossible

Steve Arterburn — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 10:06:23 -0500

Corrie ten Boom, one of the twentieth century’s great Christian spokespersons, lost her sister and father in the Nazi death camps of World War II, and she barely escaped with her own life too.

Years after the war, she began speaking on the subject of forgiveness. After one address in Munich, a former S.S. man who brutalized and humiliated Corrie while she was in prison approached her as the church was emptying. Beaming with joy, he said, ‘How grateful I am for your message Fraulein. To think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!’

He extended his hand to her. She was frozen, trying to smile as angry, vengeful thoughts boiled inside her. Breathing a silent prayer and acting in sheer obedience, she finally managed to take the man’s hand. She recalls what happened next like this:

‘As I took his hand in mine the most incredible thing happened. From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger that almost overwhelmed me. And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on Christ’s. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.’

Men, whenever forgiveness seems impossible, remember this: Jesus Christ lives in you, and He can do what you cannot.

Steve A

True Identity

EMB — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 08:37:04 -0500

Who am I? Why am I here? What is the purpose of my life? What have I been designed to do? What is my identity? Perhaps the runaway success of Rick Warren’s book The Purpose Driven Life indicates that incredible numbers of people are searching for the answers to those same questions. Every man battles with these same issues every day. Steven Covey, author of Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, says “Identity is Destiny.”

Who we think we are determines who we become, our dreams for the future and how we go about making those dreams become a reality. As young boys we are told to, “Be a man” or “Act like men.” But how does our culture define masculinity? Movies, media and athletes practically shout their answers to the question. Is the ultimate man John Wayne, solitary and heroic, who is never intimately connected to anyone? Or perhaps it is a James Bond kind of guy smart, suave and debonair. He has a bunch of one-night stands. The message is that sex, without connectivity, validates maturation and masculinity. Or perhaps it is a sports hero with glorified images of power and strength and athletic ability? Or perhaps manhood is all about money and power. Success is measured by net worth and your value as a man is based on the size of your bank account, your house, the car you drive, or the prestige of your job title. These are all examples of false masculinity. There is no relational piece to it at all. Where does that whole setup leave us? Isolated and alone. Hiding who and what you really are. If you’re hiding your true identity then you can’t connect with anyone else. These images of masculinity promise satisfaction but always disappoint. There’s a huge bait and switch going on here.

John 10:10 identifies who is behind the spirit of the age and points to the One who has the solution to this dilemma. “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” If men are to discover and live out their calling as men then we must uncover and embrace our God given identity. At the core of the crisis that men face is that we lose touch with our true identity. We lose the fascination with the story God wants to tell through our lives. The enemy of our soul is so enraged with the image of God that is reflected in you that he will hurl his mightiest weapons right at your soul. The thief is attempting to steal, kill, and destroy your identity, who God says you really are as a man. If he succeeds then he will render you spiritually impotent. He will kill your heart by watering down your true identity and slowly seducing you into living for a small god with shallow dreams.

With our identity stolen, we numb ourselves to escape this false identity by watching TV, surfing the Internet, or working too much. We struggle with pornography or creating fantasies or becoming workaholics. Men are bored. What is our true identity? Genesis 1:26-27 tells us, “Then God said, 'Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the bird of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.'”

What did God have in mind when he created man? In the ancient near East the kings had a special advisor. The role of this advisor was to remind the king of his plans and to keep him on course. It is from the name of this adviser that we get our word “man.” The Hebrew meaning of the word “man” is “the remembering one who takes action.” Men express God’s movement and action. Men ask, “Am I dangerous?” God created men to uniquely move into chaos and mystery and have a vision for what it could be and create it. As men we can move into the uncertainty of circumstances that we don’t understand and cannot predict. We can move into the uncertainty of how people will respond to us. And having a vision for what our wives and children can become as image bearers we move into changing our generation. We move into leaving a legacy by embracing who we are and whose we are. We are faced with a choice today. Embrace your true identity or run from it.

by Kent Ernsting

Gods Sense of Humor

EMB — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 07:52:22 -0500

Have you ever thought that God has a sense of humor, and this concept correlates in how we relate to our spouse, and He revealed it through His creation of us? When He designed us, God gave us a built-in design in how to relate to our wife. After we recognize the design of the architect, applied as the designer created it, it will work. If damaged over time, because of a sin in our life, it may take time for it to begin to work again, but for us men it will test our patience. We men expect instant acceptance after we “fall”, especially in our closest relationships, i.e. our wife, children, to accept our apologies saying, “we have changed” and go on from there.

Fay and I have been married for over 28 years. During those early years I would apologize, endless times telling her, “I will try not to do that again,” and I really meant it! Finally, one day she turned to me and said, "I believe that you are sorry Mike, but stop trying and do it!"

The writer of Proverbs said, “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future”, (19:20 ESV). This is what she was asking me to do, “Listen to my heart and what I need from you, and just do it, honey.” Why is this so complicated for us to understand sometimes? “Mike,the Lord said to me, 'I gave you two ears, and one mouth, maybe I want you to listen twice as much as you speak to Fay.'”

I just started reading, Safe Heaven Marriage—Building a Relationship You Want to Come Home To by Dr. Archibald D. Hart and Dr. Sharon Hart Morris. They wrote this book “…for all those who long to be emotionally connected with their spouse.” Men, don’t we long to be emotionally connected with our spouse? They go on to say, “…couples need to feel emotionally safe, close, cherished, and respected. Only then can they intertwine their hearts and souls and become one, as God intended,” (xiii). This is how our wife will begin to feel emotionally safe with us as we listen to their hearts, and then in time, because they feel emotionally safe with us.

In James 1: 2-8, he addresses the area of patience. Patience is an area that we men need to ask God for help. During this period of regaining ground, our wife is learning to trust us again emotionally. James says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does (NIV)." He goes on to say, “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him,” (James 1:12, NIV).

Let us not forget that God has given us our spouse to cherish and honor. She needs to sense that we will stop what ever we are doing at that time and “lend her both of our ears”. This may take some time for us to learn how, but stay focused on her and your relationship with Christ. Now, let me give you a word of encouragement to apply to your life today. Listen to God, study His Word, but do not forget to pray (speak) to Him daily. As you spend time reading Scripture daily during your quiet time, ask yourself the following question: What is the writer saying to those of us who are reading it? Not, what does it mean to me? (We will come up with all kinds of meanings.) Then, is there an application for me to apply to my life today? As we learn how to listen to God daily, it will be easier to listen to our family members beginning with our spouse.

by G. Mike Clark

The Struggle to Keep Going in Recovery

Guest — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 09:11:32 -0500

The decision to make a significant life-style change is important, but not as important as the plan for change and the resolve to continue following the plan when it becomes a grind. The experience of Nehemiah is both insightful and encouraging for all who find themselves stuck in the recovery process.

Under the wise direction of Nehemiah the Israelites had organized a Herculean effort to rebuild the walls of their beloved city. The city wall, which was the primary defense against marauding bands of thieves, had lain in ruins for a generation. For our discussion, the city wall represents self discipline.

As Solomon said,“28Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control.” (Proverbs 25:28).

Our story begins some time after the reconstruction efforts had begun. Nehemiah lists in detail the various sections of the wall with the names of the families who worked on them. The people worked hard and rejoiced as a new wall arose from the rubble: “6So we rebuilt the wall till all of it reached half its height, for the people worked with all their heart.” (Nehemiah 4:6).

But suddenly a series of events threatened to frustrate their efforts. Local warlords were unhappy with the project and plotted to attack the city. There was also a serious problem that surfaced among the people: “10Meanwhile, the people in Judah said, "The strength of the laborers is giving out, and there is so much rubble that we cannot rebuild the wall." (Nehemiah 4:10). So much of the rebuilding effort involved moving and removing the rubble and debris that littered the unprotected city. Unfortunately, the efforts to rebuild our lives resemble Jerusalem, a city knee-deep in rubble. Restoring the walls invariably involves the hard work of organizing and sifting through the rubble. Much of it will actually be used in re-building the walls of self control! Let’s see how Nehemiah helped the people address the threats from without and the struggles within.

1. Acknowledge your fears and your feelings. Don’t minimize or ignore the sense of being overwhelmed or the feelings of futility and hopelessness. The enemy will whisper his potent lies in the privacy of your thoughts. How you address these lies will determine if you will continue to build or give up. Listen to the members of your support group, your family and friends who express concerns about your emotional withdrawal, your anger, or about your return to harmful patterns. They speak with loving concern. However, I encourage you to regard your pre-occupation with the addictive behavior as a cry from your heart for help and refuse accept the debilitating messages of shame and guilt.

2. Take steps to address the threats. Nehemiah organized the people to address the danger posed by those who opposed his efforts. “12Then the Jews who lived near them came and told us ten times over, "Wherever you turn, they will attack us." 13Therefore I stationed some of the people behind the lowest points of the wall at the exposed places, posting them by families, with their swords, spears and bows.” (Nehemiah 4:12-13). Review your action plan in light of your current threat. What modifications are needed to ensure success? Do you need to speak with a pastor or a counselor? Do whatever it takes to meet the threat!

3. Don’t think success rests on your own strength. “14After I looked things over, I stood up and said to the nobles, the officials and the rest of the people, "Don’t be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome,” (Nehemiah 4:14a). Through the prophet Zechariah God addressed the same situation in this manner: “Not by might, nor by power but by my Spirit’ says the Lord Almighty.” (Zechariah 4:6b). God is awesome and almighty! Through our weakness He allows us to experience His faithfulness and His power. Prayer, worship, fellowship and meditation on God’s handbook for living are invaluable and irreplaceable power boosters for all of us in our times of trial! Remember and resolve to stand on His promise that no temptation will come upon us that we can’t meet with His help

4. Remember your vision for sobriety and everyone who will benefit by your changes. “fight for your brothers, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes." One of Satan’s deadliest lies is that our struggles and efforts don’t matter. God’s purpose for godliness (God-likeness) is that we reflect His character to a lost world, especially those who are closest to us and have been most affected by our actions. Satan’s invitation to partake in old, destructive habits is powerful, but not as powerful as the One who lives within us and calls us His children. To the world your broken walls might appear as worthless rubble, undeserving of the efforts it will take to change. But God has called your heart ‘holy ground’. No one but Him can imagine the glory your life will reflect by the time He returns to bring you to heaven.

by Pastor Ed Grant

Discouragement in Recovery

EMB — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 10:34:29 -0500

Discouragement in Recovery: A Silent Ambush on the Heart
by Invia Betjoseph

"Why don’t you just give up on me Lord? I’m hopeless!" Sound familiar? Thousands of Christian men have uttered those words out of sheer frustration. At some point they promise God that they will stop acting out their sexual fantasies…that THIS time they are ready… that THIS time it is different… that they are, to quote a famous Alcoholic Anonymous saying, “sick and tired of being sick and tired.”

Maybe you’re one of these men who decides to “starve” himself of anything remotely sexual. You get rid of cable television, cancel the internet access, throw away all pornographic material, and even avoid having sex with your wife for a while! Several weeks pass and you notice that you don’t have the desire to view internet porn, visit massage parlors, or even masturbate! You begin to think that this is pretty easy and tell yourself, “maybe I can conquer this after all” or, “I think I’m on my way to getting healed.”

But before you know it, lustful thoughts invade your mind like “pop-ups” from Yahoo! You try not to panic but find yourself completely preoccupied with sexual thoughts for the next few hours or even days. At work you try to concentrate and endeavor to meet deadlines but your attention span is that of a woodpecker. You attempt to pay attention at staff meetings but each minute that goes by makes the struggle more intense. And then it happens…you end up in front of a computer screen or an x-rated video and for the next three to five hours you gratify your fleshly desires by viewing every known porn site under the sun, compulsively masturbate or “binge” the whole weekend from massage parlors to escort services.

You cry out, “What happened? Why can’t I just quit?” You not only feel disillusioned and guilty but you also feel like you are perverted to the depths of your being. You want to “resign” as a Christian because you continually feel helpless and hopeless and you believe that no one can relate to you. Well, you are not alone! You don’t believe me? Read with me Peter’s letter; specifically chapter 5:9 “…because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.”

All of us are running in this race for sexual integrity and sometimes we trip and fall. And when we do, we can’t afford to just sit there and watch everyone run by. Can you imagine watching Olympic athletes trip and fall and just sit there in bewilderment as to why they fell? No, they immediately get up and run… they don’t even wipe the dirt off of themselves. Their whole focus is the finish line. Proverbs 24:16 adequately captures the theme of what you’ve read thus far: “For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again!” So before you decide to beat yourself up any further let me suggest that we pay a visit to some of our Heroes of the Faith and see just how human they really were.

In I Kings chapter 18 Elijah and the prophets of Baal engage in a contest to see who is truly God. In verse 27 when the prophets of Baal are struggling Elijah feels so confident that he begins to taunt them (how cocky we get sometimes). You know how the rest of the story goes. What amazes a lot of Christians is that after his amazing victory Jezebel puts a contract on his life and the man cowers into a cave and starts whining. God didn’t tell him to go there. The Lord even asks him, “What are you doing here Elijah?” (19:9). Do you see how human Elijah really is? Just like you and I, he distances himself from the Lord out of fear, shame, and other feelings that damage our confidence.

What about John the Baptist? Jesus says of him: “Among those born of women there is no one greater than John (Luke 7:28). This is a prophet who boldly spoke against Herod’s adultery, he put Pharisees “in their place” and preached about the coming Messiah as if his life depended on it and he did not sugarcoat his words. Yet in Luke 7:18-19 we read that from his prison cell he sends two of his disciples to ask Jesus, “Are you the one who was to come, or should we expect someone else?” Excuse me John, wasn’t it you that said to Jesus, “I need to be baptized by you, and do you come to me?”? It is amazing what despair does to the person. It slowly strips him of his confidence, blinds his eyes to past victories, and finally creates an environment in his soul in which doubt can thrive.

Let’s not forget good old Peter. When Jesus predicts his death and tells his disciples that they will all fall away on account of him our beloved brother protests, “even if all fall away on account of you, I NEVER will” (Matt 26:33). Can you just picture him speaking in a baritone voice with his chest sticking out? Jesus then tells Peter that he will disown him three times. One can only imagine the level of agony Peter felt when the rooster crowed three times. The Bible says “he went outside and wept bitterly” (Matt 26:75).

So, do you still feel alone? I hope not. There are many other accounts in the Bible where men and women “messed up” but God used them anyway despite their shortcomings. Meanwhile, what does one do when he has messed up in the sexual integrity department? I thought you’d never ask!

First, it is very important not to mistake the absence of symptoms for cure. Just because you’ve thrown out your porn stash or haven’t masturbated for weeks does not mean that the condition of your heart has changed.

Secondly, if and when relapse occurs, there will be a tendency to abandon the whole process altogether. It is vital that you do not give up…to get up and run the race.

Thirdly, if you have someone in your life that holds you accountable pick up the 100 lb. phone and call him. Let him know what you did and do not hold back (Satan thrives on secrecy).

Fourthly, try to identify what exactly happened. Usually, there are 3-5 things happening at the same time. For example, you’re having car trouble, the boss is acting like Hitler and you have not been sleeping enough... all of the above can have a toll on your body and mind. Try to pin-point what the trigger was for you.

Finally, you need to strategize. In other words, you need to place preventative measures at each trigger point so that you do not repeat the cycle. You know, theologians and preachers often speak about the work Christ did on the cross for our salvation. However, the work that Jesus continues to do on our behalf is often not talked about. Just as He prayed for Peter during some dark hours, so also he intercedes before the Father’s throne on our behalf (Hebrews 7:25). Jesus’ ongoing ministry of prayer is there for you as long as you are in need of His guidance, comfort and blessing.

Robert Murray McCheyne, the beloved Scottish minister of the 19th century, wrote, “If I could hear Christ praying for me in the next room, I would not fear a million enemies. Yet the distance makes no difference. He is praying for me!” If you are still sitting there asking the Father, “Why don’t you just give up on me? I’m hopeless!” I would imagine he would say, “Because I who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6).

What's in Your Hand?

EMB — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 11:07:39 -0500

"Then the Lord said to Moses, 'What is that in your hand?' 'A staff,' he replied. God said, 'Throw it on the ground.'" - Exodus 4:2 (NIV)

I know what you’re thinking. You’re wondering what some obscure Old Testament verse has to do with recovery, and particularly recovery in the sexual integrity realm. Well, as we look at it a little more closely, I think you’ll see it has a lot to do with it. At this point in his life, Moses was a shepherd, and the shepherd’s staff would have been one of the most useful tools he possessed. So first and foremost, it represented his identity. Every shepherd had one, it was the thing that identified them from other people with other occupations. Secondly, it represented his source of income. It was the thing that kept the sheep in line, and that kept them from wandering off or getting into dangerous situations. It was the thing that enabled him to do his job, and earn a living. And thirdly, it represented his influence on other people, as we see later when he uses it to, through God’s power, part the Red Sea. In short, the staff represented the very essence of Moses.

Give me your whole life… Who you are! What you do! How you act!
So when God tells Moses to throw it down on the ground, it’s not just to perform some fancy trick with a snake, it’s a way of saying, “I want you to give me your whole life, who you are, what you do, and how you act. I want you to throw it down before me and let me have it, and let me make you into the man I want you to be.” What’s your identity? Is it the good father and husband at church, but the one who flirts with and can’t keep his eyes off the secretaries at work? God wants you to throw down that which identifies you with sexual impurity; let Him have it, and let Him change you.

Or how about your source of income? Are you in a job that pays well but is adding to your internet pornography struggle that you can’t seem to get a handle on? Afraid to step out in faith that God has a better job somewhere that will boost your recovery rather than hinder it? God wants you to throw it down, let Him have it and let Him change you.

Or how about your sphere of influence? Do you have leadership gifts that you know God has blessed you with, but you can’t seem to break that addiction to prostitutes or massage parlors? You know you could be a good influence over many people, but right now your gifts are just being wasted? God wants you to throw it down, let Him have it and let Him change you.

Throwing down sexual sin requires one thing: submission to God.
Throwing down sexual sin requires one thing: submission to God. It requires saying, “God, you know best, and I’m going to give it to you.” And the best way to “give it to God” is to follow the action plan that Joe gave you at Every Man's Battle. It requires spending time in God’s Word and in prayer. It requires having an accountability relationship, and a support group of other strugglers. It requires meeting with a spiritual mentor for guidance, and it may require seeing a professional Christian counselor to get at some of the deep-seated wounds that you haven’t felt comfortable dealing with.

Most of all it requires saying, “God, everything I am and have is yours, and I throw it down before you, and give it to you.” Then you’re ready to be sexually pure, and ready to be used in a mighty way by God.

To find a Christian counselor or coach in your area, just call 1-800-NEW-LIFE.

by Dave Boyle

Letting Go Of Hatred

Steve Arterburn — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 07:39:32 -0500

It’s easy to say you love God but how do you show it? God’s hoping you’ll show it by loving other people. In fact, God has so intertwined your love for Him with love for others that when you seek and surrender to Him, He requires that you give up your hatred and prejudice.

In first John chapter four, the apostle John wrote: ‘God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them’If someone says, ‘I love God,’ but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we have not seen? God himself has commanded that we must love not only him but our Christian brothers and sisters, too.’

Men, God simply doesn’t give us the option of hating our brothers and sisters while loving Him. In fact, He doesn’t even give you the option of hating your enemies. Jesus said, ‘But if you are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you. Pray for the happiness of those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you’ (Luke 6:27-28). Boy, that’s a revolutionary kind of love.

The bottom line is this: surrendering to God means surrendering your hatred as well. And that, my friend, is something you can’t do on your own ‘ you need to depend upon God’s love, residing in you, to do that.

Steve A-

Bogged Down in the Red Zone?

EMB — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 07:58:06 -0500

Every fall, like the swallows that return to the San Juan Capistrano Mission not far from our Southern California home, our family makes its annual return to the Rose Bowl, where the UCLA Bruins play their home football games. From the opening kickoff, I always edge up in my bleacher seat when the Bruins reach the red zone, that patch of grass between the twenty-yard line and the goal line. Everyone knows UCLA has a great chance to score when they reach that zone. The offense is in full attack mode while the defense stiffens in a do-or-die effort to hold the Bruins to a field-goal attempt. As my father-in-law likes to say, “It’s mano a mano in the RZ”, and he’s right. The red zone is all about the heart and desire to drive the ball all the way in.

I’ve long felt that the red zone is an apt metaphor for our spiritual journeys. Early on, we think we’re moving the ball for God, but it’s really more like losing a few yards here and gaining a few there. As we spiritually mature and reach the red zone – where we can score against Satan and for the kingdom – all too often we fail to get the ball all the way in. For one reason or another, we never completely reach full attack mode. We lose focus, Satan gets us too busy, we fall into sin, or we lack the experience to make the right call in a hotly contested domain of our lives. You don’t want to be in a hurry-up offense when you’re in the red zone. But all too often we live in a rush, rush, rush, shoving aside the time to read God’s Word or invest in relationships with other Christian men or volunteer for God’s work. For many men, this lack of time is a major source of disconnection. One guy in the church where I teach a men’s bible study spoke for thousands of others when he told me, “I’m always running late! I wake up late, I leave the house late, and I arrive at work a little late – really late if the traffic is bad. I must not be prioritizing my time well.”

*** Far too many men do not give themselves fully to being God’s man. It’s like going three-and-out in a football game. ***

In football, a blitz is intended to distract and disrupt the opposing offense. In life, Satan has been calling in spiritual blitzes on each of us. “Hurry the man” is one of his most effective drive-stuffers for men in the red zone. Or he may blitz our thought life, leaving our offense spinning its wheels in muddy sensuality. Whatever it takes, he’ll blitz us with any behavior or distraction that limits us to no gain or the equivalent of spiritual field goals instead of touch downs.

So what can be done about it? Like a good football team, we must read the blitz and adjust. Look, I’ve been sacked more than once in the red zone. More important, I’ve fumbled away my intimacy with God by choosing my own way rather than adjusting according to the gifts and the training He’s given me. I started Every Man Ministries in 1999 to help other men in their spiritual walks and in building better marriages and strong families. That quest has taken me to every part of the country, where I’ve spoken before thousands of men at various men’s conferences. When I’m home in Southern California, I sit down each week with one hundred men to study God’s Word, which often leads to numerous counseling sessions. The chance to be a listening ear, offer advice, and pray with these men has been an awesome privilege. As a pastor friend once said: “If you reach a man, then you reach every relationship he has.” All of this man-to-man experience has convinced me that far too many men do not give themselves fully to being God’s man. It’s like going three-and-out in a football game; they make three lackluster attempts to run or pass the ball, then they punt away their opportunity. Next month we’ll talk about getting back in the “zone mode.”

by Kenny Luck

How to Be a Good Listener to Your Wifes Heart

EMB — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 08:28:42 -0500

Feeling like you are not heard, or misunderstood, is one of the fastest paths to loneliness. When we don’t believe that another person really knows or understands our heart, we can get lost in a crowd, feel all alone. Many men who struggle sexually will know exactly what I am talking about; this may be his daily experience. Tragically, it is also likely that he may feel alone and misunderstood in his marriage.

As a man in recovery learns how to communicate his heart to his wife, it is extremely important that you first listen to hers. This will begin to strengthen the connection between you and hopefully soften each other’s hearts to each other. To go bounding in, expecting her to just listen to you, while you have not listened to her, may become a set-up to recreate the wound that makes you feel so alone and insignificant - possibly leading to relapse.

This is not an article about communication tools or how to communicate (read those too). My primary focus is to encourage you to understand and connect with your wife’s heart and not just what she intends to communicate; her heart is deeper than that. That is not to say that verbal communication in and of itself cannot be intimate, but you can frequently connect at the heart without needing the rules of healthy communication, or even a word. Likely there are times that your wife will repeat herself. This is both an opportunity and a signal. If your wife is repeating herself, most likely she is signaling that she is not feeling "heard" or connected to you. This can be an opportunity once you recognize the signal, because now you know you have probably missed it. You can clarify her intended message, but the heart needs to be "held." You may do this simply by holding her. An empathetic word or touch can go a long way. Of course there may be times when a hug is not appropriate. If she doesn’t want you to touch her, maybe she is angry with you, make extra efforts to empathize with her by listening respectfully. The expression on your face may say to her if you care or are just trying to appease her. Another way to "hear" your wife’s heart is to watch for it. When you first started dating your wife, you may have made an effort to notice things she likes and dislikes. Do this again but in deeper ways. Get to know more fully what makes her happy, sad, what her dreams are, etc. When you know these things, never stop looking for them and use them to exhort and encourage her.

When she is upset after a phone call from her parents: "I know how devastating it is for you when your dad disregards your feelings. Do you want to talk about it?"

When she is screaming at you: "If I hadn’t selfishly had my mind solely focused on work all night, I would have remembered how disrespected you feel when I forget to take out the trash."

When she won’t say a word to you: "I know when you won’t talk to me, you are usually hurt. I would love to talk about it when you are ready."

Don’t wait for the difficult moments to engage her. Engage her in the easy ones. It may seem too simple to start dating her again, but it isn’t. First, it will be difficult to be consistent, you won’t always feel like it or fall into old patterns. Second, it may not be complex, but it got you a wife the first time. Just like you hopefully do with your kids, look for connecting moments to share. Just as Mary Magdalene poured her precious perfumes over Jesus’ feet, treat her extravagantly. Extravagance is not about money, although some scrooges will have to loosen up a bit, it is about time, affection, and serving. As you get moving, she will be on your mind more, and it will be easier and more rewarding to continue. You will remember what you once knew about her and learn what you never did.

Healthy communication tools are an essential element to hearing her heart, but this is the long (also essential) way around. When you rebuild the connection between your hearts, it may take time for her to be able to trust it. Be patient and gracious with her, you haven’t earned her trust yet. Many men will come to realize they never "heard" their wife before. Take heart; things may be rough in your marriage right now, but to know and connect intimately with your wife in deeper ways than you have ever known will change things - the best years may yet be ahead of you.

Bob PArkins

Back to Our Knees in Recovery

Steve Arterburn — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 12:58:13 -0500

Good day to everyone visiting this site and a Happy New Year. I hope that everyone had a good New Year. Below is a blog from Jeff Mcvay and he has a New Years blog that we would like to share. Thanks for visiting the site and we look forawrd to seeing what God has planned this year.

Steve A -

Back to Our Knees in Recovery: Starting the New Year off Right
by Jeff McVay

It’s that time of year again. The Christmas decorations are slowly coming down. Times Square is getting ready for the big celebration. Children are planning for another night of sleep deprivation before school starts. Everyone is asking the familiar questions: “What are you doing New Year’s eve?” “Where are you going to watch the ball drop?” and “Does anybody know what auld lang sine really means?” Shortly after this we usually ask ourselves what our New Year’s resolutions will be.

Many Christians set New Year’s resolutions around time in prayer (myself included). Prayer is something that we all need and something that most Christians consider important. However, we often set our resolutions so high that we cannot possibly keep them (example: I will get up at 4:00 am everyday and pray for at least an two hours about everything I can think of). Or we set them so low that they do not really stretch us and we forget about them (example: I will say “thanks God” before I get out of bed and go on with my busy day). I would like to help us all set a reasonable resolution concerning prayer that will stretch us enough to keep us going but not be so overwhelming that we give up at 12:01 am New Year’s Day. Prayer is a great place to start the New Year, especially for people who are in recovery from various addictions. Eugene Peterson, author of numerous books and translator of The Message, says:

Getting started is easy enough. The impulse to pray is deep within us, at the very center of our created being, and so practically anything will do to get us started- “Help!” and “Thanks!” are our basic prayers. But honesty and thoroughness don’t come quite as spontaneously.

For our New Year’s resolution we want to “get started” and yet move towards the honesty and thoroughness that Dr. Peterson talks about. Setting our standards too high or too low is only part of the problem. For many people struggling with various addictions, we tend to think that we must clean up our act before we can pray effectively. We have a deep sense of shame that paralyzes us as we think about talking to God who is holy and perfect. You might say to yourself “There is no way that I can pray the flowery prayers that my pastors or elders pray.” We assume that God only wants to hear about our “good” feelings (happiness, joy and gratitude), and that “bad” feelings (anger, frustration and sorrow) should be left alone when it comes to prayer. Therefore, we hold on to “bad” feelings and say “I’ll just work on these ‘bad’ things myself and only try to bring the ‘good’ things to God.”

This is truly “addict” thinking. The substances of addictions (drugs, alcohol, pornography, sex, etc.) are only the symptoms of a much greater issue…fear of intimacy, which requires openness and honesty even about the parts of ourselves that we are ashamed of. When we indulge in these things we spend an awful lot of time trying to cover our tracks so that no one will know what we have done. This leads to isolation, which causes pain. We then try to medicate this pain or “make it go away” by indulging once more and thereby starting the cycle all over again.

When we can only bring our “good” feelings to God then we are doing the same thing to God that we do to our families and friends by covering up. God invites us, through prayer, to take off the mask (that He can see through anyway) and stand before him just as we are and not as we should be. God longs for us to bring the totality of ourselves, both what we think is positive and what we think is negative, before Him in openness and honesty. Again Eugene Peterson writes, “Prayer is not ‘advanced’ language. It is the means by which our language becomes honest, true and personal in response to God. It is the means by which we get everything in our lives out in the open before God.”

So how do we do this if we don’t have experience in being open and honest before God? We go to the prayers God has given us in His word as a way of practicing how to pray. These are found in the Psalms. If you are having trouble believing what I have said about prayer so far, I invite you to explore the Psalms and see if I am wrong. You will find Psalms that are cries for help. There is utter sorrow. There is complete anger where people pray for the death of their enemies and even their enemy’s children. There are prayers of frustration even when their frustrations are with God. And, of course, prayers of hope, joy and thankfulness.

The Psalms teach us that openness and honesty about our feelings before God is what God desires. Our emotions and our honesty do not scare God. He will not run screaming from the room. He will run to us and listen to our deepest feelings. In fact Romans 8:28 tells us that when we bring “difficulties that are too great for words to express” God’s Spirit prays in us and for us. With all this in mind, we will now look at our New Year’s resolution again. Much like learning to run a marathon, we must enter into a training period. No one goes out and runs a marathon on their first day. They first run a few minutes and gradually build up to marathon distance. So with our “prayer training” we will also start with small increments and with the proper tools to help us eventually get to wherever we think we want to go in prayer.

I think a great place to start is with five minutes of reading a particular Psalm and five minutes of practicing our own prayer per day. That’s right, ten minutes a day is all you need to begin. And, just like running, you set your own pace in growth from there. Psalm 51 and Psalm 139 are great places to start, but you can pray any of the Psalms. If the flowery language of the Bible has been off- putting for you, then pick up a translation in Modern English such as The Living Bible or The Message. Either one will help you remember that these prayers are from regular people opening themselves up before God. Then spend five minutes using your own words before God.

If you can, try to be in a place where you can speak your prayer aloud without anyone hearing, that way you get in the habit of opening yourself up verbally before God. It will feel strange at first, but you will see a change in yourself very shortly if you continue. At first your prayers may only be “help” and “thanks” to God, but Psalms 139 and 51 will help you remember that prayer is about developing openness and honesty. Strive for thoroughness as you continue. You will find that God will meet you and continue to call you forward into greater joy, love, peace, hope and intimacy with yourself, with your struggles, with your loved ones and with God himself. Quoting Peterson once again: “[I am] convinced that only as we develop raw honest and detailed thoroughness in our praying do we become whole or truly human in Jesus Christ, who also prayed the Psalms.”

If the Psalms benefited Jesus in his prayer time, we can definitely rely on them this New Year to guide us into a deeper, more open and honest prayer time with the God who loves us. Happy New Year!

Celebrating Gods Attributes His Holiness

Steve Arterburn — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 12:30:00 -0500

"The Christian is strong or weak depending upon how closely he has cultivated the knowledge of God." — A.W. Tozer

If Tozer is correct we need to understand, meditate and grow in the knowledge of God’s Holiness. But what is holiness? The most significant meaning of holy is to be “separate.” God is separate, unique, and apart from us. Being holy includes moral purity. When something is made holy it is set apart to purity. And we learn from scripture that God is holy in every part of his nature and character. In the book The Holiness of God,( p 40) R. C. Sproul says this about Isaiah 6: “The Bible says that God is holy, holy, holy. Not that He is merely holy, or even holy, holy. He is holy, holy, holy. The Bible never says that God is love, love, love, or mercy, mercy, mercy, or wrath, wrath, wrath, or justice, justice, justice. It does say that He is holy, holy, holy, the whole earth is full of His glory.” The emphasis from scripture shows us that God is Holy and separate; above and apart from us. Though we were made in the image of God, we were not made God. His holiness is above and beyond our imagination. And yet we are called to meditate and grow in our knowledge of God and his attributes.

Let’s look at some great scriptures to help us learn about and meditate on the holiness of God.
Who is like You, O LORD, among the gods? Who is like You, glorious in holiness, Fearful in praises, doing wonders? (Exodus 15:11, NKJV).
No one is holy like the LORD, For there is none besides You, Nor is there any rock like our God. (1 Samuel 2:2, NKJV)
He is the Rock, His work is perfect; For all His ways are justice, A God of truth and without injustice; Righteous and upright is He. (Deut 32:4, NKJV)
Who shall not fear You, O Lord, and glorify Your name? For You alone are holy. For all nations shall come and worship before You, For Your judgments have been manifested." (Rev 15:4, NKJV)

The Holiness of God is something to meditate on, something to chew on. I urge you to spend some time meditating on these verses—chew them up. G. K. Chesterton said “The object of opening the mind as of opening the mouth is to close it again on something solid.” The Holiness of God is something solid. It is something to meditate on and hold onto. Reverence and awe should be a natural result of our growing in knowledge and understanding of God’s Holiness. We find the scripture gives us a progression from the Holiness of God to our calling as believers in Christ.

Later we see that because God is holy, we are called to be holy. Many believe that is something that is unattainable and therefore unreasonable to aim for. We might ask the question “If I am not aiming for holiness, what am I aiming for?” Let’s look at some verses about this:
For I am the LORD your God. You shall therefore consecrate yourselves, and you shall be holy; for I am holy. (Lev. 11:44a, NKJV)
but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, because it is written, "Be holy, for I am holy." (1 Peter 1:15-16, NKJV)
He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked. (1 John 2:6, NKJV)

Can we be holy like God this side of Heaven? Apparently not in a complete way, but it is still to be our aim. And when we miss the mark we confess our sins to God and our brothers in Christ. It keeps us humble and dependent on our need for the sacrifice Christ made for us on the cross. Joseph Caryl said it this way, “Perfect holiness is the aim of the saints on earth, and it is the reward of the saints in Heaven.” And in 1 John 3:2 (NKJV) we read this: “Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is.

So we see that our calling is to pursue the knowledge of God and His holiness, to grow in our understanding and reverence for His holiness. If we look to God and His holiness it will draw our hearts and minds in that direction. George McDonald said, “We remain such creeping Christians because we look at ourselves instead of Christ.” We’ll close with an excerpt from My Utmost for His Highest September 1 devotional, Oswald Chambers: Continually restate to yourself what the purpose of your life is. The destined end of man is not happiness, nor health, but holiness. Nowadays we have far too many affinities, we are dissipated with them; right, good, noble affinities which will yet have their fulfillment, but in the meantime God has to atrophy (whither) them. The one thing that matters is whether a man will accept the God Who will make him holy. At all costs a man must be rightly related to God.

by Mark Verkler

Celebrating Gods Attributes His Grace

Steve Arterburn — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 14:55:07 -0500

Well Christmas is over and we face a new year ahead of us. Here is to a new year and your well being for the up and coming year of 2010. We look forward to seeing what God has in store for you and this minsistry in 2010.

Steve A -

"Celebrating God’s Attributes: His Grace"
by Mark Verkler

Grace defined:
1. The free unmerited love and favor of God; the spring and source of all the benefits men receive from him. (Romans 11)

2. The application of Christ’s righteousness to the sinner. (Romans 5)

3. A state of reconciliation to God. (Romans 5:2)

Perhaps grace is the ultimate expression of God’s love to us and for us. ...for God is love (1 John 4:8b). It is hard to describe and hard to grasp, partly because it’s so unnatural and so much against the flesh. I have such a tendency to either compare myself favorably to someone I suppose is a worse sinner than I am and unfavorably to someone I suppose is a better saint. Pride would keep me out of each group--humility would put me in.

Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 12:9: “The Lord said, ‘My grace is enough for you: my power is at it’s best in weakness.’ So I shall be very happy to make my weaknesses my special boast so that the power of Christ may stay over me.”

One of the most amazing parts of God’s grace is that He promises that it is enough. No matter the sin, no matter the failure, no matter the weakness, His grace is enough. I have learned that I AM NOT to ask for God’s grace. That is like asking for rain that is already falling, or asking for sunshine on a cloudless day. I am to accept by faith that God’s grace is extended to me and receive it moment by moment with thanksgiving. Of course it makes sense to give thanks for a gift as great as Grace. But I am afraid I all too often ignore it, or ask for it, instead of opening the gift of grace that is right in front of me and giving thanks and rejoicing.

In Luke 17: 3-4 we see another picture of grace. Jesus tells us that if our brother trespasses against us seven times in the same day, repents and seeks forgiveness, we are to give it to him. Would God ask us to do something he wasn’t willing to do? No. That is God’s grace—a well that is so deep it will never run out of water no matter how much we need or use. Though we are warned to not use grace as a license to sin (Romans 6), we are exhorted to embrace our weakness and need of it. To truly know grace, it must go far beyond understanding and into experience. That means embracing my need for God. I am a Saint by God’s grace, and a Saint who sins and needs His grace every day. Dietrich Bonhoffer noted,

“He who is alone with his sins is utterly alone. It may be that Christians, notwithstanding in corporate worship, common prayer , and all their fellowship in service, may still be left to their loneliness. The final breakthrough to fellowship does not occur because though they have fellowship with one another as believers and as devout people, they do not have fellowship as the undevout, as sinners. The pious fellowship permits no one to be a sinner. So everyone must conceal his sin from himself and from their fellowship. We dare not be sinners. Many Christians are unthinkably horrified when a real sinner is suddenly discovered among the righteous. So we remain alone with our sin, living in lies and hypocrisy. The fact is that we are sinners!”

This is evidence of God’s grace working in me: I can admit my weakness and need for God’s grace to myself, my God and my brother’s in Christ. I don’t have to cover up so that I appear to have no need of His grace. On the contrary, I can “uncover” and embrace my need of the gift of grace. Someone said that God doesn’t clean his fish until AFTER He catches them. God is in the business of justifying the ungodly.

Romans 4:5 says: “But to him not working, but believing on Him justifying the ungodly, his faith is counted for righteousness.” That is grace. I must not think that I have to justify myself. That is his job. Mine is to admit my need. In closing, I am inspired by Henri Nouwen’s vision of grace in the story of the Prodigal. He writes:

“In my minds eye, I see Rembrandt’s painting The Return of the Prodigal Son. The dim eyed old father holds his returned son close to his chest with an unconditional love. Both of his hands, one strong and masculine, the other gentle and feminine, rest on his son’s shoulders. He does not look at his son but feels his young, tired body and lets him rest in his embrace. His immense red cape is like the wings of a mother bird covering her fragile nestling. He seems to think only one thing: he is back home and I am so glad to have him with me again.”

May we all go “back home” into the arms of grace.