Second-Guessing In Marriage
At some point, almost every man feels incompatible with his spouse. During those times, most men secretly wonder if they should’ve married someone else. They harbor that secret from their wives for fear of hurting them. But truth be told, from time to you’re your wives probably entertain similar thoughts.
The real news here isn’t that people sometimes wish they’d married someone different; it’s that they’re misdiagnosing the issue at hand and the challenge it requires of them. Everybody goes through difficult periods in marriage. At times everybody feels like throwing in the towel. And if you want to know the truth, everybody’at least in one sense’did marry the wrong person!
While teaching a marriage course at Notre Dame, a professor used to give his students one absolute: you always marry the wrong person. ‘It’s a reversible absolute, though,’ said Hauerwas, ‘You always marry the right person. The point is we don’t know who we are marrying.’
Professor Hauerwas is right. The knowledge you have of your spouse on your wedding day is unavoidably incomplete. Furthermore, both of you will change and develop over the course of your lives. Consequently, neither person knows exactly what the promise they’re making to one another will entail. The promise is bold, challenging, and ripe with reward.
Therefore, rather than ask if you’ve married the wrong person, try asking how you can learn to better love and care for the person you’ve married!
Steve Arterburn
Steve,
Thank you for this posting. I'm not married yet, but marrying the wrong person has been the biggest fear for me lately. I hate second guessing but I do it so much but when you said that we should try asking how we can learn to better love and care for the person we decide to marry. My Pastor said the same thing. Thanks bro.
Is your sons book Hero available? I am interested in reading it but can not find it.
Thank you for your radio program. You're on WLCM every day out of Charlotte, MI. It's a great pleasure hearing how some difficulties are relsoved through your instruction. God bless everyone who works there.
I am a Christian man in his mid 50's struggling with homosexuality. I attend a Bible believing church, and play flute in the orchestra and also sing in the choir. I've spoken with my pastor regarding the homosexuality I guess because I felt that I needed to be honest with him about that large part of my life. I grew up with that mindset which, of course influenced my self-image and world view of who and what a man is supposed to be. I tried embracing homosexuality, but God showed me at the outset that it really would/could not work. So after two failed lovers and more misery ahead I have come back to God and the church more seriously. I believe it is the drawing of the Holy Spirit to bring me to this place.
I was not fond of my father growing up. I felt as if he didn't like me for whatever reason. Admittedly, I did go through a stage in boyhood where I dressed in mother's clothes, and ultimately cultured a "feminine" affectation while playing in that fantasy world I'd created. Was that some kind of outlet for me at that time? The acting out the girly side of me. I have a sister five years my sr. She seemed to garner more and sometimes most of my father's affections/attention than was showered upon me. I realize that sentence sounds self-centered, but I know I was starved of my father's love at a time when I needed it the most. I've gone through the cycles one would endure in this search for masculine approval/confirmation. God has led me full back to myself and I know I'm complete in Him, but I have habits that I have difficulty releasing, because they're familiar and seem to bring some physical comfort/pacification. I write of masturbation. It has been a habit since about age seven or eight years of age; way before I could produce an ejaculate. I know it's not honoring God to retain this habit. It's my besetting sin and am having a huge struggle telling myself that it has to be given up. How? I've cried to Him to just remove the feelings that bring temptation, because I know it's perverted and I feel mentally sick because I don't stop. I just deal with it. I continue to ask God's forgivess, but afterwhile it becomes a dull routine. Then the asking of forgiveness loses its sincerity, and I don't feel loved by God anymore. Please tell me how to overcome this malady. Thank you.