Tired of the new/old

After having problems with porn for years, through a good accountability group and God's grace I found myself winning the war...just in time to meet my future wife. God delivered me so I could go into our relationship having worked on the baggage and no longer actively being a porn addict.

Things were good for years--she's beautiful and our sex life was everything I could've wanted or prayed for! But in recent years, it seems that complete and total victory I enjoyed for years...has been eroding.

Now sometimes it seems there is little left. I'll have weeks and months of being "clean"...and then despite having an incredible sexual relationship, i find myself falling. Weeks or months will pass again, but seemingly sooner or later, I have a down day, am sick and weak, or just muddled in my head--and then I find myself where I shouldn't be again!

We have a good, honest relationship. Early on especially, though it hurt, I told her everything. But that's gotten so much harder to do! God listens to my agonized, frustrated confession, and boom--as far as east from west. But as wonderful as she is, she's still human. Surely she gets tired of hearing how weak I am, of getting hurt at the unintended slight to her as a beautiful, desirable, and fulfilling woman.

That good accountability I mentioned? Scattered to the four corners of the world--moved away, moved away from God, or wrapped up in family life. I really need some more resources, and while I never want to stop pursuing total honesty with my wife, I also think I apparently need some extra help, either locally or...online? Does that exist/work?

But I know God is good. I've experienced the lasting years of unthinking victory--victory I probably took for granted. Never again: when God sets me free, when it's months and years instead of days or weeks since I've fallen, I will assuredly be thanking Him day and night for getting this deadly monkey off my back!